Waking Up
by SunshineDrops
Summary: Bella is struggling with self harm and depression, the Cullens don't know, nor do her parents, will Bella be able to overcome her problems with herself, or will there be a much darker ending? E/B mature content, maybe lemons if it suits the story?
1. Chapter 1

_Oh God._

A huge wave of relief washed over me. God it felt good. I can breathe again now, but not properly. Just another cut, only a small one. I bring the Stanley knife to my leg, lightly drawing a cut that barely breaks the skin and then repeat it, only deeper. Much deeper.

_Oh god._

It's amazing. It's like winning the lottery, it's like getting a heart from the NHS, so impossibly brilliant, you don't quite believe it. I watch the blood as it runs down my leg, past my other scars, i watch as the blood begins to clot, that's my favourite part. I turn the shower on and step in, shivering. I only have 20 minutes before Edward said he'll come see me. So I probably only have 10. The blood runs down my leg with the water, and turns it a shade of red I'm much too familiar with. I wash my hair and condition, then go on to shave my legs, if Edward does say anything- which he rarely does because he just assumes I'm on my period- I'll just say I got a nasty cut shaving. Sometimes Edward makes it much too easy, I don't have to worry about him seeing my scars because the furthest we ever get is just making out, he can't read my mind and he's a bloke! I've been doing this for nearly four years, and no one can make me stop, not now.

The waters been running clear for a few minutes, so I can get out now. I pull on some blue and silver check pj bottoms, and a blue buttoned top. I grab my fluffy white robe and walk out the bathroom combing my hair, I grab a hair tie from my room and go downstairs to make a hot chocolate, saying goodnight to Charlie as I do so. As I walk up the stairs I hear the giveaway sound of my window closing announcing Edwards presence, and brace myself to be Happy Bella once again.

I hate having to do this, having to fake my life, i don't even feel like a personanymore, i feel like a shadow of the person i used to be. I hate it. I find myself thinking how_ good_ it would be to just end this. Then i met Edward. Now i don't even know what i want, i want to be happy. I just don't know how to be.

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**A/N Okay so this is just a sampler right now, first Twifanfic for me. I do have a bit of a rubbish record for ever getting past a first chapter in a fanfic, so you would think i just did oneshots, but no, too easy for me :)**

**So just tell me what you guys think, and then i'll try to continue it if people like it :)  
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	2. So predictable

**AN 5 story alerts! I do feel quite special i have to say, and two reviews! Thank you guys so much! Unfortunatly though, i might have to have lots and lots of short chapters because i can't do longer ones xD**

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Do i need to say who the characters and blah belong to? Because we all kind of know its not anyone writing on fanfiction because if these were our characters, we'd get the story published. So yeah. I hope you guys like it and im sorry its short.**

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If you haven't already guessed, i do know the subject of self harm quite well, 4 years practice, and i'm trying to convey how twister your perception of life becomes, your entire world revolves around it and its hard.**

**I hope you like it :)**

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'Edward!' I say, feigning happiness as I slip onto the bed next to him and cuddle into his rock hard chest. 'Did you want to watch a movie tonight? I fancy some Ben&Jerrys, can I get you anything?' I ask as I leave the room.

'No thank you Bella,' he says laughing, even though he never takes me up on the offer, its polite to ask. When I leave the room, I start to shakily walk down the steps, this cut hurts. More than my previous ones. I breathe heavily when I walk into the kitchen, and try to leave my leg in the freezer to calm it down, another plus of having Edward, he cools down fresh cuts.

_Cookie dough or Phish food?_

How did I get like this? I can't even remember being happy, I don't remember a life without cutting, and it scares me- it scares me how much I love it. I can't imagine my life without it, and I don't want to. It's a part of me now; it's like having a diary carved into your body. Edward's going to get suspicious soon, there's no doubting it, I do want to have a proper relationship with him, a physical relationship, but I can't, not anymore. I can't have both worlds, it's either cutting or Edward, and it will be cutting; every time.

'Bella, what's the matter?'

Why does he have to care so much? It would be so much easier if he just hated me, then I wouldn't care about him.

'Huh? Nothing, I was just off in a day dream' I tell him with another fake smiling tickling my lips. I curl into his body and sigh, my leg is underneath his, and his cold body feels so good, my head starts to rush and my breathing becomes shallow.

'Bella?' I can hear the panic in his voice from my uneven breathing.

'I love you Edward,' I say and turn his body over so I can straddle him, he's so predictable, he won't ask me about that now, I just have to feign being horny, it's so easy. I touch my lips to his ever so slightly, giving him a nice view of my chest when I lean towards him. I can feel his hot breath against my skin and it makes me want to gag, but my cut is still getting the cold pressure of him, so I can still pretend, at least for a while.

I can hear him growl underneath me, it makes me sick. I lightly nip at his bottom lip, before I start to trail butterfly kisses along his prominent jaw line, moving slowly to his ear.

'I want you so much Edward,' i whisper provocatively in his ear before tugging his earlobe in-between my teeth.


End file.
